i dont know why i am so terrified of losing control.

a fear of the unknown. really.

the need to have such a tight grip on things that i end up suffocating the very people that i am trying to help. ><
but i just cant ><

cant, dont know how to let go.

feels like how it was when i started with tutoring. but different somehow. im more at ease with tutoring now. more chill, go with the flow kind.
with cell, i guess it needs to be that way to. i need to let go, sit back, assess the atmosphere, and decide where to go from there.
im too uptight. scared of being surprised ><
dont want to be surprised.

but i cant continue with this. something needs to give. something in me.
i need to push.
i am scared to. but i need to.

i MUST.
for my own good, and for the people i love.
:]