so i finished a mid sem today. the last of my mid sems for this semester x)

a feeling of relief haha. but now i got to start work on my assignments =/

lalalala.

a bit sian diao-ed haha. =S

treated myself to an ice mocha on the way home hahaha. poor consolation though sigh.

i wonder why i sometimes cut people off when there's a chance to go deeper. ah wells =/

i guess its in part fear, caution, and general 'busy-ness'. rah.
i guess im 'on-the-go' too much sometimes, and i simply dont take time to slow down and enjoy certain interpersonal relations. sigh. and then afterward i blame myself for doing so. gah.

maybe i just think too much haha. =/ rawrs.

sometimes, i need to stop thinking haha.
or maybe not.
i dont know ><

fustration.
#ranting.

hahahaha. ok la. i shall focus and get started on my assignment(s) x)

bye for now! :)

#alwaysasecondchance :)

i should probably rename my blog reflections of a person turning 20 soon xD
#justsaying

but at any rate, im just only starting to realise how time is passing. you dont even really realise man.
but yea, i was just walking home, and i realised that when i go for my singapore trip, i'll be leaving perth as a 19 yr old, but coming back 20 hahaha. then i realised next yr i'll be 21, then the yr after 22, and... o.O

maybe it comes from hanging out with people who are older. people in their 20s mostly. or maybe its the fact that people all around me are starting to celebrate their 20th/21st, or even going on to 22 o.O maybe its cos these are all people who are close to me. like squadmates. or certain vibe people. but yes. im growing old! :O or maybe to rephrase, i just never realised how the years go by. when ur young it just doesnt matter. but now the realisation that your peak performance period is gonna pass by really soon hits, and i dont really know if im doing anything with it.
i wonder if i make sense here.
I guess what im trying to say is that when a person is in their teens, especially late teens, like from 18 maybe, is when they have the greatest realm of influence. you have the greatest ability to influence your peers, to make a difference, to change something around you. but as you grow older, you lose that. you lose the will, the confidence, the stubborn belief that you have the power to make a change, to be the change. when you're young, there is a certain naivety that allows you to carry the belief that you can conquer the world. you believe that the world can be a better place with you in it. you are malleable. you can be bent, but not broken. you can bounce back. but as you grow older, you lose that. you lose that flexibility. as a child, we embody innocence. innocence from not knowing what the world is like and believing in the good of everyone. as a teen, we add on to it. we add knowledge. we add maturity. there becomes substance to that innocence. mature innocence. believing in good, but knowing that things have to be done to bring that good. and that is something great that comes with being a teenager.

yes, teenagers are naive. yes, they can be impulsive. yes, they can be rebellious. but there is so much more that can come out of being a teen. and sometimes, we do not realise that until we are reaching the end of it.

Time as a teen is short.

And i am rapidly coming to the end of my teen years.

That is where i express my disbelief.

Disbelief that time has gone by so fast. Wonderment at what i have done for these last few years of being a teen. Realising that there is really not much time left at all.

What am I going to do about this? Will I continue to watch the world go by? Will I continue to let the years pass me by? Will I continue to let myself be caught up in the demands of this world?
NO!

I refuse to. I will not. This is my declaration and my promise.

I cannot.

I cannot because there is still much to be done. I cannot because the world never stops moving. I cannot because people never stop moving. Things will constantly be moving around me, will constantly be changing. Dynamics will change. Of the church, of society. And it is a scary prospect.
But i cannot let that faze me.

I need to hold on. Hold on to the innocence of youth. Hold on to the belief that something can be changed in the world. Hold on to the belief that the world can be a better place with me in it. If only just a little.

My time is short. I must not let it go to waste.
I cannot let years add weakness. Instead, I must let years add courage. Add faith. Add wisdom. Add things that will help build the foundations of youth, and not tear it down.

It will not be long before i will be unable to identify with youths and i will have to move on. But while I can, I will.

that will be my mantra. If I can, I will.

jiayou!
broken to release.

so i had my first mid sem of the year today. woke up late hahahaha. only got up one hour before my paper was supposed to start ><
drove to uni, managed to get there about 2 minutes before my paper started =x

hm.
went well i think hahahaha :)

~~~~~~
am feeling really thankful at the moment. thank God for good weather at masterchef yesterday. thank God for holding the rain. even though it drizzled a little, it stopped in like 2 minutes, even though it was threatening to get heavier. :) my God is amazing :) thank God that everything flowed well yesterday. organisation and efficiency levels were top grade man. cant believe im part of such an amazing team. above all, God was good. even at the mini-service later, God was there. he was moving, touching hearts, reminding people about how good He is. just so amazed. and just so aware that im unworthy of all this. never did anything to deserve this. but He gives all the same. and just leaves me awestruck.
what am i, but a speck of dust on this earth, that God should look down on me with favour?

conflicting feelings.
><

so incredibly grateful, yet so aware of how unworthy i am. :')
overwhelmed.

yesterday i was still thinking that i dont know anymore. i dont know what im doing, dont know why i am where i am. but God is good. and our God is greater. his love is just so amazing.

like today. traffic was a bit heavier than usual, so took me slightly longer to get to uni. was just turning into uni at 9.25, when my paper started at 9.30. found an empty lot really near to my exam venue, managed to park perfectly on my first try. got to the venue and found a seat about a minute before the exam started. my fault for being late, but God is faithful man :)

my God is real. and His love never fails. :)
#thelittlethings :)

need to sort myself out.
feels like my brain is in some kind of virtual mess >< too much going on, cannot focus.
feels like nothing is going as it should. in the sense that im not giving the required attention to things i should pay more attention to.
wheres the balance gone? ><

what am i doing with my life?
what is the purpose of everything that i am doing?
i dont get it anymore. i dont know what im doing anymore.
theres just too much, too many things, too much clamouring for my attention.
i feel thrown off. unsettled.
like ive lost focus somehow.

i know i think too much.
and it affects what i do. as if i cant just throw myself into what i do wholeheartedly.
like i have to consider all angles before i decide what to do.
and it affects me.
i consider too much; ponder too many angles.

i just cant.
how can one throw off everything; lose all inhibitions in doing something?
its hard.
and i dont know how im going to do it, but i have to.
i have no choice.

where am i? what am i doing?
where will i go after all this is done?

maybe im making things more complicated than they are.

i dont know. its just weird rawr.

i need to take a break. just let everything go and think.
but i cant.
i just cant let go off everything.
i need to have some semblance of control.
which is almost pointless because i seem to have no control whatsoever.
is it my pride?

but by doing so, im making myself less than what i truly am.

let go, and let God.
I am worth it. I deserve to be happy. I am more than i make myself out to be.
but how?

so tired. so so tired. =/

maybe, i should let go, and just be loved.
冏