i dont know why, but i seem to have a fear of opening up to people. Im afraid of revealing more of who i am to people.
when i look into my heart, i see alot of scar tissue. and the thing is im not completely clear of where they came from. perhaps it was from moving here from sg. but im pretty sure theres something deeper than that. but yes, i see alot of pain and the scars from the said pain.

like today, i had a meeting discussing plans for a new initiative in youth. and its as if a part of me cries every time i reveal something i hold close to me. i dont know. but its not the first time...
sometimes i go for meetings and such, and i feel myself leaving a part of me behind when i leave. which i dont quite understand.

as i go from place to place, as i meet new people, as i jump from group to group, i can sense myself leaving bits of myself behind. not always though. there are groups of people that i hang out with that i guess i dont open myself up to as much. but with the people that i love hanging out with, i do feel that.

in a way, i think that i've built up a certain kind of wariness of people. i guess i dont really want to experience the pain of having to uproot and leave people behind any more. the pain when u form such tight bonds with people, and then have to tear yourself away. but there will always be the people that i feel i share a bond with, and then the problem is, how tight of a bond do i want to form with them? its a kind of dilemma. i want to share, to let people see more of who i am, yet at the same time im afraid of losing these people that ive revealed myself to. people are here one day and gone the next. how am i to know who i should be open with? how am i supposed to choose my friends that way?
i want to be open. i want to be able to be unafraid to show who i am. but how am i supposed to when there is still so much pain inside of me?

i wonder if i ever really moved on. =/

i find that the way i think is interesting. there are thoughts that just go round and round in my head, while there are others that surface as one liners. They are the ones that kinda represent my observations i guess. That summarise what i think, while not exactly revealing alot haha.

anyways. im starting to learn abit more about my leadership style haha. i find that im quite a full-on leader. maybe thats because i was mostly led by 'spoon-feeding' style leadership for much of my developmental years. i would say most of my experience being a follower would be in sj. where its really just listen to your leaders and do what they tell you to do. but here, its very much different. i find that i need to step back abit and give people space to think, to consider. i always plan what i want to do or say, but i also need to leave space for improvisation. i need to relax haha. i guess i can be quite tense in a way =/ but i guess in a way its cos i want the people i lead to not miss out, to be able to be fully equipped. but i guess sometimes you have to give people the space to breathe, to make mistakes and learn.
slowly learning to develop my own leadership style haha. =)

anyway... really just learning to deal with myself la. i find that suddenly alot of my insecurities are being exposed. things that i never saw before, are coming to light. i am confident i guess, but in a way much less than before. i dont know. its a paradox ><

haha ok la till next time =)

hey everyone

just applied for two jobs today.
and started looking at graduate programs.

really makes me think about what i want to do in the future. to be honest, i dont know. but im starting to see that i should probably start doing some tangible things on the commerce side, before i really start thinking about the science side.
argh.
there's so many things that i could do. but until i start taking steps towards it, i wont be getting anywhere. =/
what exactly do i want to do?
where do i see myself going?
sigh.
it seems that on the side of practicability, finding something to do on the commerce/business side is alot easier. and very much more practical. supposedly it will build me up well for the future as well.
the problem is i havent exactly seen myself on the business side. so theres a conflict.
its just that the availability and practicability of doing an attachment in a business-related company seems to be jumping out at me. to be honest, i havent even explored to possibility of me doing something in a science related field. i probably should though. lol

and stop saying that im lazy. ><
its much too convenient an excuse =/
time to make a stand :)

bye for now guys! just had to type it all out to make sense of the things going through my head haha x)