heyy everyone!

so i guess kinda continuing from my previous post.

after roadtrips... break a few days then kinetic camp 2012! Made New camp =)
was a group leader.

i guess going into it... i was abit apprehensive and all. it was my first time after all. and i guess there was the feeling of people having expectations of me. i guess to be frank, i wasn't really expecting much of the camp. i just wanted to get through it and do a good job. but God always has so much more in store for us.

to be honest, it wasnt easy getting through the camp. it was tiring and at times emotionally draining. initially it seemed fine. like everything was going ok. but then came a point when the whole leadership team decided that we needed to come together to seek the Lord. like up to that point, we were just doing things by our own strength. so yep. we spent much time just praying and seeking the Lord. praying for a breakthrough.
and i think we got it. like after the entire prayer sesh, there was the feeling of everything coming together, just more unity in general. it was good.
and yea... after that i had like this massive breakdown-ish. not immediately after, but yea. xD much of what i had been hiding inside just came out. like i just couldn't hold back anymore and i just shared everything with my leader. it was good. it felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders.
but as time went on, it felt like it just came back. i dont know. i just felt all confused and messed up =/ sigh. i dont know anymore. its like i can off load it once, but then it just keeps coming back... ><

how do you ever fully know that a burden has been lifted?

i know they always say that once you put it down, dont lift it up again. but i think what im doing is that while God has taken the burden off me, its as if im purposely putting it back on again. as if i cant live without it. ><
rawrs.

how?
=/

i feel like its really affecting me. like its affecting the way i think, even the way i pray. like before this realisation, i felt that i was praying more by faith and depending on God more. but then my prayers started feeling more technical, like i was saying all the right things, but probably not really speaking to the youth i was praying for. sigh. i dont really know anymore.
it feels like a battle between the brain and the heart.

this led me to think of that time in the bible, when Jesus' disciples were trying to cast out spirits, but failing. and Jesus was like 'oh you of little faith!' and it made me think. what is faith? when do we act in faith?
when we know absolutely that we cant and are not doing things by our own strength?
=S

'for if you have faith as small as a mustard see, you can move the mountains.'

=)